Monday, February 15, 2010

venting time

I've always felt like my life was a book. *cue music here* I told myself for many years that I'd love to have someone put my life onto paper. As times passes the urge to have it get done only becomes stronger as I continue to face challenging life events. I'm not the best when it comes to writing but I've thought about doing it myself. I just know I wouldn't be able to sit for hours on end writing nor do I even know the slightest bit about writing a book.

From losing a mother, heartbreak, a car accident, struggling with school, thinking I found love again, & more heartbreak, & becoming diagnosed with a chronic pain disease. It would seem to one that my unfortunate events never seem to fail me... of course with one there always comes another. I've had my fair share of happiness mixed into the despair. I think I've experienced what one would call "hitting rock bottom" but this ceases when a bigger event seems to come my way. Yet here I am, still breathing, still living and trying to conquer everything that gets thrown in my direction, one hit after the next. I like people to believe I'm strong, but sometimes I get tired of pretending to be. What's wrong with letting it all out and crying? I get people asking me "how are you?" a lot lately & quiet honestly I just want to scream I'm horrible, terrible, no... I'm in absolute disbelief on why bad things have to happen to really good people. Is this the depression starting to take over? I don't know whether to feel anger, sadness, disappointment or maybe all three. Can't I just crawl in a hole for awhile & stay there? I'm not asking for forever, I'm just asking for awhile, or at least until I know I can stand up and fight back. Don't get me wrong, I have friends & I have a Dad, & even a fantastic step mom, I have an "almost" significant other If I can call her that who's been here through it all over the past 7 years. Yet here I am, still afraid more then ever of what's to come next.

What is it that's missing?

I went to the cemetery a few days ago & told my mom I have RA. Is that silly? I always wonder what things would be like if she were still here. I miss her. I keep struggling to find the strength inside of myself. I'm not dieing right? At least it's something that won't kill me? Is that it? How is that supposed to make me feel better? It doesn't, I mean It makes me laugh thinking about RA in that way, As if I'd rather suffer from this insane pain I get, these stupid "flares". I didn't ask for this, any of it. I can only pray for a cure one day, or wait patiently for that one medication that will help me get my life back on track. I want my happy ending, I want to reach the light at the end of this long tunnel.

"Her feelings she hides, her dreams she can't find
She's losing her mind, she's fallen behind
And she can't find her place, she's losing her faith
She's fallen from grace, she's all over the place, yeah"


  1. I think my entire life prepared for living with RA and Fibromyalgia. I agree wholeheartedly with your assessment about being prepared for RA. Our lives have all been in preparation for the response of living with chronic pain.
    “Yet here I am, still breathing, still living and trying to conquer everything that gets thrown in my direction, one hit after the next. Yet here I am, still breathing, still living and trying to conquer everything that gets thrown in my direction, one hit after the next.” I have been there trying to look for answers to every obstacle and despite everything, I am still here.

    Telling your mom about your RA, that is big step in acceptance and acceptance doesn’t mean we give up. It means that we learn to live with all the obstacles that come our way and we learn to swerve. Keep swerving and you will be just fine.

    BTW- I love the changes to your blog.

  2. <3 thank you. I've never thought about it in that way, "I think my entire life prepared for living with RA and Fibromyalgia." But that does make sense after being put through so much. I know I'm not in complete acceptance yet, but it's nice to know that I am moving in that direction ... I didn't even think that something such as telling my mom would be considered a step in acceptance, but you're right.

  3. I've had many of these same thoughts myself. But the conclusion I have come to is just because it could be worse doesn't mean it shouldn't be better. Just because you're going to live doesn't mean you aren't allowed to grieve for what you may have lost.

    I think you're really brave and I'd like to feature a post about your blog and a link to it on my blog. Would you mind if I did that? It's been so useful for me to see the perspective of someone with RA who is closer to my age. Honestly, I've felt a lot of the same things you're talking about. And if it is helpful to me it might also be helpful to some others reading my blog. So please let me know if it would be ok to put a link on my blog.

  4. of course i'd be okay with that! Thanks for asking :)

    & I like what you wrote "just because it could be worse doesn't mean it shouldn't be better" SO TRUE!

  5. You can admit to having happiness through all of these unfortunate events, that tells me you will be alright. Everyday, even on my worst days, I will find something to laugh about (often myself and my inability to do something I was trying to accomplish) and something to be thankful for. I have never been one to feel sorry for myself but I have wondered, a few times, if I am dealing with short term depression bouts.
    It's not silly that you told your mom you have RA. I have tried so many different diets, none helped with the swelling, pain or fatigue for me. Good luck on the Enbrel, it helped me when I started on it.

  6. I'm not sure if you've seen this site yet, since you're as adamant as ever about beating this horrible disease, I'll assume you have seen it and most likely glanced over it because you're not quite as optimistic of alternative methods for success as I am... But I can't have you feeling like this, I love you too much, so here's some info that I'll point out from the following link that I would like you to take into consideration.

    "A recent study published in the Lancet looked at the long term outcome of traditional rheumatoid arthritis treatments an found that after 20 years of treatment with drugs such as prednisone, methotrexate, penicillamine, and oral gold, HALF of the patients were either dead or disabled."

    "If dangerous drugs were the only way for a person to gain relief from suffering, we would be forced to accept the drawbacks of conventional therapy for autoimmune illnesses. The reality is, however, that dietary and nutritional interventions work for autoimmune diseases such a rheumatoid arthritis."
    -Dr. Joel Fuhrman, MD, Eat To Live

    From the dietary aspect, you need to do the following:
    1. Find your food 'triggers', and stay the hell away from them. You are allergic to shell fish, meaning you of course stay away from it, but you'll also need to consider staying away from products that may come in minor contact to these fish, such as even tuna or even tooth paste which has seaweed in it, also ice cream which has seaweed in it, and some make-ups can contain fish oils... "the vast majority of RA patients have elevated levels of antibodies to milk and/or wheat, suggesting allergies to these" (O’Farrelly, Price, McGillivray, Fernandes, 1989). "A study published in the Lancet suggests that one-third of people with RA may be able to control their disease completely through food allergy elimination." (Darlington, Ramsey, 1991)
    2. Avoid fast food (fat)
    3. Go Veg! Eat your greens.

    I'm not going to go into all I've found from this fantastic site, please do you and I both a favor and READ IT ALL, and take it as seriously as all the research you've done on the medications. I will help you dissect your food reactions, make a plan for less medication, and eventually be in remission. It's going to be A LOT harder than poppin' a few pills and sticking yourself, but in long run, what have you got to lose?


  7. Thanks, I've read a lot about foods and what's good and bad for inflammation. I have a whole book on it actually with recipes included, something I need to look into more and start adjusting too to see if it helps or not.

    The shellfish information is new to me, being allergic to it and all I had no idea that it'd be best to avoid things that even come into contact with it, toothpaste? that's crazy. I already use all natural though so that's good. Although my dentist prescribed me some other stuff i need due to having sjogren's syndrome.

    Most of diet is common sense, just to eat healthy and stay fit, easier said then done and will take adjusting for sure. I was on track for awhile then became lazy. Come move here and help motivate me and we can cook healthy together :)

    & i'll check the website out.