Last night I was hit pretty hard with some depression and frustration. The new health care bill for America was passed yesterday & while there are some pro's and con's about it, for me, I will benefit from it. I still need to find a good job with full medical benefits before December since my dad is retiring, so while it's changed to age 26 to be covered under your parents, this won't apply for me. The insurances won't be able to deny for pre-existing conditions either but this won't take effect till 2014. With that said I was on the phone late last night (around 12am) crying for like 30 minutes to my dad about all these feelings I'm going through. I haven't been looking for a better job and I know I need too and I finally figured out what is keeping me from doing so.. I feel like by me taking that step is me admitting that I have a real disease for the rest of my life. I'm just so afraid of the future, everything. I feel like nobody understands unless they have RA. && that some of the people I care about see me as "complaining" when in fact it's not, I'm just doing the best I can to deal and vent about what I'm going through. I have a selected few, very few, people who actually listen to me. I just wish more of them would be like that. The person that I thought would share more excitement with me today that Enbrel got approved finally didn't all they said was "good" and that was it, didn't even speak to this person after that today. Thankfully I had two other people that showed some excitement for me and my best friend said "does this mean I get to poke you?" lol she's been waiting because she offered to help me with my first shot. <3 I just don't know anymore, I try to be strong but sometimes I'm just so scared and wish that someone would help me. I feel like I can't do it on my own sometimes and the burden of dealing with doctors is so overwhelming. It's got to get easier then this... =[
On another note, I'm waiting to hear back from the pharmacy that will be delivering my Enbrel. I should have it by this week. I wanted it to come Thursday but I didn't hear back from them today, so that'll probably push it back a day.
I just hope I can find the strength to pull through this.